Sex is illegal in prison, but it happens. Being in prison doesn’t kill a man’s sex drive.
In a place where the main language is violence, sex is a weapon.
So, what are LGBTQ relations in prison like when the act is associated with power, not intimacy?
Donnie knows.
As a straight man who has spent almost all of his adult life in prison, he’s watched it all play out.
Sex is used for power by gang members. As a means of coercion by gay and trans inmates.
And sometimes… sometimes it turns into love. Governing all of this is the straight politics of prison.
The LGBTQ acceptance of the outside world has not made it to prisons.
Navigating same-sex relationships is a minefield for male prisoners, and here, Donnie tells us how it’s done:
When I entered prison 26 years ago the debate around LGBTQ rights was different than today.
In fact, we did not have the same understandings and sensitivities we now share.
So, if my language seems dated or in any way insensitive to the LGBTQ community, it is not a sign of disrespect, but a sign that the author is socially antiquated.
Prison society is different from polite society.
Here I attempt to give you a glimpse into how prisoners have viewed sexuality over the years behind the prison walls.
When it comes to sex or sexual behavior inside of prisons there are no experts.
No one can be an expert about everything concerning prison simply because each prison is different.
Not only is each prison different, but each individual facility within a prison is different.
Each prison might have slightly different rules, varying levels of rule enforcement, and more than a few prisoners determined to evade the rules at any costs.
These are also the reasons why some prisoners tend to move from place to place or refuse to move once comfortable.
The prison experience is very subjective.
Some people love it and thrive here, while others find it to be a complete nightmare.
Prison is the ultimate land of make believe.
Anyone in prison can claim to be or to have been anything anywhere in the world without having to worry about having it refuted.
Almost nothing is verifiable.
Therefore, who knows what’s true when it comes to sexual activity or to LGBTQ relations in prison.
However, the idea of what is considered gay or straight is also very subjective.
It complicates the question of whether same-sex sexual activity and LGBTQ relations in prison make a person gay.
Violence is the main language in prison. Guards and prisoners use it to meet their ends.
Without at least a threat of violence almost nothing is possible here, but this idea isn’t unique to prisons, it’s how all countries enforce their rules on its populations.
When it comes to prisoner-on-prisoner violence, gangs hold a monopoly, and believe it or not, a fair share of prison sex is the by-product of that violence.
Many stories have been told about gang members using others just as conquering armies of the past would use the women within occupied lands.
Most often their victims were heterosexual, to begin with and the thrill of the conquest drove some, if not all, of these violent predators.
Not all prisoners were like this or respected their ways, but few ever spoke out against it.
In many ways, you could say the silence enabled the gangs.
Whether we choose to call these gang members who used sex as a means of violence – gay or not is irrelevant, what matters is that they did not or do not consider themselves gay.
Besides being used as a weapon against anyone in opposition, sex was also used recreationally as a means of release.
These men who considered themselves heterosexual could and would enlist openly gay or trans prisoners to provide fellatio or anal sex.
They didn’t endure any of the consequences of being labeled gay themselves.
The stratified nature of prison life makes it possible for a prisoner to claim he is not gay while simultaneously engaging in gay sex acts.
He must remain in the dominant masculine position, and the openly gay, trans, or heterosexual prisoner (who through violence is forced to act gay), is placed in a submissive feminine role.
Their propensity towards violence puts the gang members at the top of the hierarchy and therefore they alone get to make the rules.
When one member’s actions go against the gang’s core beliefs – that anything not heterosexual is taboo – that member will usually get away with it.
As long as it is done in a way that does not damage the gang’s hyper-masculine image.
What this means exactly is that while gang members might get away with receiving sexual favors, the moment they are found to be the giver they are likely done with the gang forever.
There are very specific terms for prisoners who give in to temptations.
One is called the “Reach Around Man” and entails the masculine or dominant person masturbating the other, submissive person, while engaged in the act of anal sex.
Next in line to those who use gay sex as a means of violence are those who use it strictly as a substitute for the sexual release they are denied by circumstances.
Their initiation into the world of gay sex is usually consensual and secretive.
They aren’t gay, at least not publicly.
They want to maintain their reputation as a gang member or man of violence, so they sneak around.
Maybe it starts within a brief oral sex encounter with a gay or trans prisoner in school or at their work assignment and it evolves into something that can no longer be hidden or denied.
When the time comes that everyone notices and starts talking about the company the so-called straight prisoner is keeping, a decision must be made.
Either he comes clean to his own gang/community or he continues to lie.
The lies typically attempt to downplay his reasons for associating with the gay or trans prisoner.
“We be hustling”, he might say insinuating the gay or trans prisoner is helping him sell drugs or some other illegal activity.
If this is someone who is truly only interested in occasional encounters then the damage is minimal.
He can continue discreetly getting his dick sucked or fucking as long as it doesn’t become an embarrassment or scandal to his associates.
If he’s someone who desires a closer and more personal experience, he might want to become cellmates with the gay or trans prisoner.
This is where the line between speculation and any potential scandal crosses.
For someone to voluntarily move into a cell with a gay or trans prisoner would be seen as an undeniable sign of gay or same sex activity.
It might become impossible to maintain his respect or position of prestige amongst his peers at that point.
The overall problem would not be his decision to participate in gay sexual activity, but his inability to protect himself from whatever rumors or lies that might surface.
Now remember, having LGBTQ relations in prison or receiving gay sexual favors is not in itself enough to bring the weight of public opinion down upon him that he is gay.
But any accusation made by the gay or trans prisoner would be a matter of one person’s word against another’s and too much to overcome.
For example, if the gay or trans prisoner accuses him of being a “Reach Around Man” the damage would be set in stone regardless of it being true or not.
By this point he would now be considered gay in the minds and hearts of those closest to him.
It would be questioned whether his activities had increased to intimate kissing and finally to what is known as “Flip-Flopping” i.e., alternating anal sex.
If there’s any activity which exists as a dividing line between gay and straight, it is the introduction of a penis to any of one’s orifices. That is the point of no return.
How and why would any of this happen?
Either the straight prisoner begins to care about the gay or trans prisoner’s pleasure, or the gay or trans prisoner threatens to end the arrangement due to a lack of pleasure on his side.
Other forms of coercion include threatening to spread rumors that the straight prisoner is already engaged in “Flip-Flopping”.
Prostitution is another model of how to have LGBTQ relations in prison and how gay sex is practiced recreationally.
This is not something I have witnessed overtly.
But I have been a witness to activities and associations which appeared to be totally transactional.
As for what my sources have observed, I was once told a trans prisoner was heard yelling, “we got that good Bussy (i.e. Boy Pussy) for sale”.
Whether this was a joke or not, it seems logical that in certain places and times prostitution was a real enterprise for gangs which covet any opportunity to make money.
Or for individuals whom the gay or trans prisoner loves or fears.
The correct analogy would simply be to label them pimps because this is what they were. Who their customers were or might be is beyond my knowledge.
The only thing I can say for certain is the client would likely not view himself as having LGBTQ relations in prison even though he’s paying for gay sexual favors.
Interestingly, the prisoners who use gay sex as a weapon and those who enter gay sexual situations recreationally are each likely to be married or otherwise connected to a woman outside of the prison walls.
The women are usually totally in the dark about their man’s LGBTQ relations in prison.
Under most circumstances her finding out would mean the end of their relationship.
The reasons for this are twofold. First, she’d likely hold very strong traditional religious and cultural aversions to homosexuality.
Secondly, she’d likely, and rightfully, fear coming into contact with sexually transmitted diseases by way of her now gay partner.
This is not simply an irrational fear that a gay husband or boyfriend might expose a woman unknowingly to disease, but a valid one given the total nature of prison and the impulsiveness of prisoners.
Drugs are the main recreational activity in prisons – beating sex by a large margin.
With certain types of drugs comes possible exposure to hepatitis, AIDS, and other infections that are spread through intravenous drug use.
This issue is further exacerbated by a lack of safe sex options for those who are having sex inside prisons.
This problem has recently been remedied by laws which makes condoms accessible to prisoners, while maintaining that being caught having sex is still punishable by disciplinary action.
In places where openly gay or trans prisoners are almost unheard of the condoms remain in place.
But in places where sex is rampant the condom supply cannot always keep up with the huge demand, meaning the reckless behavior of some cannot be stopped.
While prisoners infecting one another is certainly a problem, what’s worse is the ways can affect families and communities if a prisoner’s wife/girlfriend is unknowingly infected and takes the infection home to her children and community.
Recreational sex between straight, gay, or trans prisoners is pregnant with the same possibilities which exists every time a man and woman get intimate with one another.
One or both might fall in love or both no matter how unlikely the situation seems.
I cannot explain it, but I’ve seen it happen in both gay and straight relationships.
Sometimes opposites really do attract.
When love does happen, it doesn’t receive the correct nourishment it deserves. The majority of the people in prisons hold very strong homophobic views and gay couples are never given the platform to speak their truths.
No one knows why or how they fall in love.
It’s just seen as an affliction which might be contagious if not held in check.
Personally, I despise this simple-minded approach and have held plenty of conversations where I have defended people’s rights to be who they are or choose to be so long as no one is being coerced or manipulated in any way.
As to the question of how love might blossom between two people in prison, I can only guess and speak towards my own observations.
Gay or trans prisoners have always appeared to be attracted to straight prisoners in the same way sexually violent prisoners are.
Maybe the thrill of the conquest exists in their hearts too. All I can say for sure is that it happens.
I’ve seen straight men lust after trans prisoners who had achieved a certain level of femininity.
The ones I’m referring to never acted on it to my knowledge.
But the fact that it was possible speaks to the allure of feminine energy inside of prisons.
The person in question was a white trans prisoner. Thus off-limits to this particular black prisoner.
Yes, racial politics pervades all LGBTQ relations in prison.
As a matter of racial pride for some, and sexual or economic interests for others, gay or trans prisoners are forbidden to cross racial boundaries.
Any attempts might end in violent riots or a targeted death, most likely of the gay or trans prisoner.
In recalling my memories of gay or trans prisoners my first estimation was to say that they held no power in prisons, but I’d like to qualify that statement now.
Gay or trans prisoners are not in the violence trade and therefore not directly in positions of political power.
But they do wield a power all of their own and it is a very feminine one.
Whether it’s manifested through hugs, kisses, sex, or even a caring sympathetic ear, it is real.
I believe it is the reason why straight men find themselves unwittingly in love with a gay or trans prisoner.
So, in theory, it is possible for a gay or trans prisoner to exercise political power through a lover.
I’ve seen hardcore gang members seemingly fall in love.
This was often manifested through kisses and tattoos as a visual sign of ownership or rejection of their gang ties due to pressures to leave the relationship.
They might even inject themselves intentionally with needles used by HIV-positive prisoners to get infected and be able to move into the HIV unit with their lover.
It might sound farfetched, but it’s true.
I remember hearing one prisoner saying how he’d be on a visit with his wife and kids who had driven hours to see him.
Instead, he’d be thinking about his trans lover and couldn’t wait to get back to her.
Of course, she’d be waiting for him to return, standing by the gate.
Gay weddings were a reality too.
Before gay marriage was legal, possibly anywhere in the world, LGBTQ prisoners celebrated their love in non-binding ceremonies on prison yards.
I’m guessing it really was love. Who is anyone to judge?
Ironically, while the domain of killers and thieves, prison is also home to some of the most conservative religious people.
They may have misstepped somewhere along the path to prison.
But once they get back with their congregations they become some of the staunchest opponents of homosexuality.
Another factor that might determine one’s views on sexuality is education.
Most prisoners lack a college education, and their views of sexuality and LGBTQ relations in prisons are mostly informed by religious morals.
Therefore, if you were to ask the common prisoner the underlying question of whether gay sex in a prison setting makes a person gay the answer would be a very biased and overwhelming “Yes”.
As for the author’s opinion, I have come a long way in my evolution towards tolerance and respect for the rights of all human beings.
Many of the themes I wrote about above were from things I witnessed during a two-year period in the late 90s ending when I was 23 years old.
At that time none of the protections now in place for one having LGBTQ relations in prison were in place.
I had no way of putting such things into context without reverting to the toxic ideas I and many of my peers were taught about gay and trans people.
Seeing people named Monica and Sara in a men’s prison was a shock to my young mind.
More was the open sexuality between them and others who considered themselves straight.
So of course, I and my peers held disparaging views towards all LGBTQ relations in prison.
It wasn’t so personal that we needed to be openly disrespectful towards them, we – or at least I – respected their rights to exist.
At the same time the sexual energy they created in others disturbed me.
Prison wasn’t supposed to be the place I saw people sunbathing in booty shorts or having orgies behind closed doors, but it was all there.
Years later, after being so far removed from that environment that it was almost as if I dreamt it, I matured into the person I am today.
It still bothers me whenever I see two prisoners sharing a moment, but not out of any fear or hatred on my part.
If anything, it’s closer to jealousy.
They are getting the pleasures and companionship I wish I could have with the person I care about.
Having it all in my face is just a reminder of what I don’t have.
In conversations about the rights and privileges associated with being a free citizen, I’ve been a staunch supporter of LGBTQ rights.
No matter my feelings now or in the past, one reality exists. It is one where LGBTQ people are our neighbors, friends, and family.
Every single day the LGBTQ population grows, and I am not one to deny what is in my face.
Whenever others voice negative opinions of LGBTQ people during our conversations I usually cut them off by playing devil’s advocate.
Maybe it is a bit too far or insensitive, but I tell them that even if you murdered every LGBTQ person known today – there’ll be a new generation tomorrow.
In my mind the issue over LGBTQ rights is a “treadmill” issue, meaning the debate is not taking us anywhere and I am tired of running in place, so I am ready to move on.
Personally, I’m more concerned about starving kids and climate change to be hung up over who’s loving who.
Everyone should simply try loving each other a little more and maybe then the world would be a better place.
If the question at hand is whether or not we should be judging people by or for their sexual orientation, for me the answer is yes.
In the same way you would like to be warned if you were starting a relationship with a gambling or alcohol addict, I’d like to know if the person I’m with is queer.
Not in order to discriminate against them, but I believe in being open and honest about all things.
I do not feel there is anything wrong with making assessments and putting things into categories based upon how they appear or function.
It is our ability to use our senses and our language skills to differentiate and convey information to others that has ensured our survival on this planet.
If I told you there was a tiger, lion, and a bobcat loose in town, but that only the bobcat is dangerous because the other two have been defanged and declawed.
Without the ability to see the differences between each cat you’d be likely to mistake which is the actual threat.
As a life-term prisoner with over 26 years of incarceration experience I can tell you:
When it comes to LGBTQ relations in prison, I went a stretch of almost 20 years (1999-2019) without seeing more than one gay or trans prisoner in one place at any given time.
Where were all the gay and trans prisoners you might ask?
They were all in places where the low-level offenders were housed.
This means that all of the prison sex people think is everywhere is only happening with short-termers returning to the community within months, not years.
Why does this matter?
For all the reasons mentioned above about sex, drugs, and diseases.
The fact is, people are engaging in risky sex in prisons.
Even if this article were about the risks of promiscuity in the community I would also highlight sexually transmitted diseases.
No matter the time and place our potential sex partners have a health and well-being interest in knowing that they are being given honest and accurate information about our sexual histories.
Having LGBTQ relations in prison only to get out and act as if they did not happen is dishonest and dangerous to any unsuspecting partner.
Furthermore, it is my advice to anyone who happens to meet a man fresh out of prison to demand health screening before getting intimate.
Not only because that person may have had sex inside, but because that person might have gotten prison tattoos which is risky, or may have used drugs which is even riskier.
If the meaning of being gay is simply engaging in same-sex sexual activity then all of the situations above qualify the participants as gay.
However, as with anything, how people act and view themselves is what matters most here.
Even if we agree that these men are only gay behind bars, caution must still be taken to protect oneself from the consequences of lies or omissions ex-prisoners make once back in the community.
None of what I have written should be construed as any type of judgment over the sexual activities of responsible and safe members of the LGBTQ community.
It’s meant solely as a way of giving partial insight into what may be happening inside of a prison near you.
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