Did you receive sex education about basic anatomy, healthy relationship skills,
and safer sex practices?
Amber Mallery (She/They) is a certified sex educator and researcher.
Amber is currently obtaining her Masters at the University of Barcelona researching sex and ethical explicit content.
She is part of the berlin-based sex ed platform Sex School offering new, empowering dimensions to the experience of inclusive sex education.
We talked to Amber about her job and about why comprehensive sex education is critical not only to young people’s sexual health but also for adults.
How would you define sex education?
Sex education, to me, is an inclusive, ever-evolving conversation with oneself.
Of course, sex education could be a class or even curriculum, but truly I feel this is something we all must work on in our own way.
Sex education combines reproductive knowledge, but it also includes pleasure and experience.
For me, the most important thing when it comes to sex is that there’s always more to learn.
This brings about an important point:
having a community you can speak to, or learn from, or relate to sex really impacts our own understanding.
This is why stigma is so damning.
Can you tell us about the sex education you received at school?
Haha! None whatsoever!
My parents gave me a book, which for a child struggling with reading comprehension was a poor decision.
I just recall squiggly pubic hair on two people in the bath, and that’s the extent of my understanding.
Then, in high school, through friends, I picked up the true details.
Looking back, what is the most surprising is, how interested in “sex” teenagers are, they are terrified of actual sex.
What I mean by that is they are terrified of having conversations about consent, condoms, and communication.
I watched plenty of my friends wind up teen mothers.
One of the reasons for that may be that many, myself included, don’t even know that they can say no.
And don’t even get me started on the number of people my age who were not communicating their sexual needs, but rather meeting sexual expectations they believed would lead to pleasure.
What inspired you to become a sex educator?
Well, my non-existent sex education lead me to do what I do best and challenged it, I started asking people questions and “fixing” the problems they faced.
Many thought condoms were prohibited for people under 18, so I would buy them for people, and wrap them up like gifts that way people could sneak them home.
I would google everything I could get away with googling, and even bring Cosmos (Cosmopolitan) to school or offer sex advice, even before I had had any sex myself.
I definitely gained quite the reputation, but honestly, I wouldn’t change anything about it, earned or not.
What do you like most about being a sex educator? What brings you joy, pride, or excitement?
I LOVE helping people and expanding their perspectives, and even reclaiming their pleasure.
People always thank me for being the outlet for these conversations and doing so in a shameless way.
A part of my job is giving people permission to explore, and as simple as that is, it is the most rewarding part of my job.
What message would you most want to share with people who oppose pleasure-inclusive sex education?
Wow, what a great question… I think I would say, it’s okay to be scared, I get it.
We are raised to believe something so strongly and through generations, but that does not make it right for everyone.
Just as much as you have the right to educate yourself about your choices, I have a right to educate myself before making a choice.
Why do you think sex is still such a taboo topic? Worldwide, censorship is rising instead of decreasing. Why is that?
I think it is taboo for two main reasons, pleasure is power, and we live in a patriarchy.
Giving people who aren’t in charge power of any kind shakes up the foundation of oppression.
If everyone, especially vulva owning people spoke up about their shitty sex it could spark a lot more conversations and questions.
That spark results in people speaking out and taking charge, and that manifests itself beyond sex.
If being pleasured is empowering, then these “leaders” can no longer stigmatize and demonize people into submission and perpetuate the same systems of power.
Why do you think it is so important people learn about sex, gender & pleasure?
Not just important, but totally essential.
I believe as people we are entitled to knowledge of all kinds, especially that which impacts our lives and interactions so heavily.
Sex, gender & pleasure, these topics are vastly different and specific to each of us as individuals.
I also think these topics should be taught by professionals and in some cases people with lived experiences, it’s time to include everyone in the conversation regardless of degrees.
When you think about earning your training in sex education, what struggles did you encounter? Tell us about your journey of becoming a sex educator.
Well, being from the USA automatically brings to mind money.
Education is expensive, this is why I mentioned the importance of lived experience before.
Some marginalized populations do not have the access I was fortunate enough to have.
I grew up dirt poor, but thankfully through grant programs and my grandparents I was able to study and get certified.
I entered university believing I was going to work in the government, but I never could shake my passion and draw to sex education.
Finally, I googled everything around being a sex educator, internships, opportunities, and beyond.
I came across the then Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health (CSPH), now Sexual Health Includes Pleasure (SHIP).
They had a distance internship program, I told myself if I got it then it was a sign. And well here we are.
What do you think people who come to you are looking for?
Depends, for some people they want to feel validated in their choices, some people are looking for education or support and others are there to sexualize me and my work.
Each person is different, but a word of advice for all the baby sex educators:
you cannot help everyone, develop your own boundaries, and stick to them.
A lot of people want unpaid emotional labor, and that’s not your job, even if that means not “helping” someone.
I have had strangers dumb deeply personal problems on me through my DM.
And in the beginning, it was hard to hear someone struggle and not help, but that’s okay and its hard to learn but it’s something you must learn.
When you work in the field of sex, people believe you are open to whatever, its like the moment you tell them you work in this field a green light flash in their mind.
You are no longer a peer, professional or even person.
You become an object, it’s disheartening when it happens but the sooner you recognize it the better off you are.
Do you have any advice for other people who want to work as a sex educator and improve sex education?
Yes, continue to learn about sex and sexuality both historically and through different perspectives.
Sex education is not as clear as you may believe, and sex education is built on a mountain of harm; colonization, experimentation and stigmatization of peoples cultures, bodies and practices.
Sex Education is not a trend or about condoms on bananas. It’s about being open-minded and listening to the lived experiences of others out there who’s relationship with sex or sexuality may be entirely different.
This is not a universal road for us all to take.
What’s the most misunderstood thing about what you do?
That just because I talk, teach, and preach about sex doesn’t mean I’m this hypersexual person meant to serve.
This goes back to what I was saying before about that little green light in some people’s minds.
You are not only a sex educator, you are also a researcher. Can you tell us what your research is about?
Currently, I am researching the impact of pornography on sexual attitudes, behaviors, and openness.
What makes my research different is I am including ethical pornography in research.
I do not want to say too much until it is complete, but I can follow up this summer once part one is complete and written up.
Tell us more about Sex School and how folks can get involved with the work you all are doing.
Well, the easiest way to get involved is to follow us on social media and share our content.
Anyone working with sex knows social media likes to shadow ban our content, so we are unseen.
Thus, a share, like, follow or comment helps us spread our message at no cost to you.
But, if you really want to make an impact, support us by buying a membership.
It does not have to be Sex School specifically
but supporting ethical porn supports the “ethical” sex industry immensely.
In your opinion, what are the three most important things for a healthy, happy sex life?
1. Communication
2. Comfort
3. Openness
Your sex life and sexual relationships will evolve and develop with time. To ensure happiness you need to be doing things you are comfortable with, while having an openness to exploration at times.
This does not mean you HAVE to be open to everything, but define your boundaries, but explore that middle ground between “Fuck yes!!” and “No way in hell”.
Sometimes we have to push ourselves a little bit to get to the good stuff. Like trying new food.
Most of all, communicate with people.
If you are feeling overwhelmed you can stop, you can create indicators so you don’t always have to explicitly speak up.
You can do whatever you need to be comfortable, but you have to communicate that to yourself and others.
What do you hope the people participating in the Sex Quizzes we are creating together will get out of it?
I hope anyone taking the quizzes will use it as a conversation starter, whether that conversation is with themselves or others.
And to not take anything too seriously, they are meant to provide some resources and ideas for you to further explore.
In some cases it may be exactly what was desired and in others not applicable, and that’s okay.
