Nothing; I think. Nothing; I feel.
But I can see that my dreams are no longer dreams.
The obscurity not as obscure as it might be for you.
I am living this reality, which might feel like a fantasy for you.
Too unusual to integrate into our society,
But you are wrong.
Cocks, mouths, and tongues. I can hear voices in the darkness, jumping from one octave to the next. Eyes that enlarge and wait for that one moment when I see your cum running down my fingers, how I spread it all over my breasts, sometimes also on my bum, on my face or on my stomach. How the consistency can be different – sometimes even warm, like warmed up milk for a newborn baby. But what do I know. Is this the moment that makes us all forget? How simple happiness can be.
It is always good to reflect on your experiences. Otherwise it might be too much to keep control and I like being aware. That is why I write them all down, my adventures. I make notes of each man I meet. Little details, for example where we met, whether we met at his place or in a hotel, his nationality, his career, his age, whether I came to climax or whether it was just for his own pleasure. The most important thing I write down is if I felt a deeper connection. And when the man would contact me a second time, if I truly would like to see him again. I must make these notes to remember. It is my personal diary, moments that I never want to forget, however obscure some of them may seem. But once again: What does it mean anyway? Your reality may be different from mine, and all realities fade to one certainty: Have I lived colorfully enough? Have I dared to try new things, things I never thought I could like, because how would you know if you never tried them… I have tried them all and never regretted. Never regret if you are able to share intimacy on a higher level, never regret if you are able to love endlessly, to offer the purest form of dedication even if it is only meant to be for this one-time experience.
Wine and the smell of cigarettes, a black suitcase full of toys that he would like to try on me. I see how he opens the suitcase, like a child waiting on Christmas Eve for a new gift to unwrap. I watch him, the excitement, a decision to be made. I can’t see the inside of the suitcase but I can see his expression and I am ready no matter what he chooses. I remember my thoughts at the thought of the suitcase. “The X-Files” came to my mind. Fox Mulder on a serious mission always ready to solve a new problem. Fox Mulder was in fact my childhood crush. Whenever a new episode came out, I sat on the kitchen counter in my parents’ house, thirty centimeters between us. I was fourteen and got wet from his serious demeanor. Fox Mulder had the unbeatable character traits which, when fulfilled by a man, mean everything to me: introverted, melancholic, thoughtful, a certain kindness that can change if you know the weak spots. He awakens fantasies in various roles, which he fulfills all equally. I see a father, a teacher, a f…