I cursed every single tourist in my path on Mühlenstraße. Does everyone turn into a moron when they’re travelling?  I looked at my wristwatch. Shit. Why am I always like this? After four years in Germany, one might expect to have learned how to be punctual.  I was working up a sweat. I was telling myself there wasn’t any need to get all worked up. On the surface I’d just play tour guide to an old friend, but underneath there was so much I needed to prove to myself.  After ten plus years of virtually no contact, Lila had DM’d on Instagram a few weeks back. To get her mind off her latest breakup, she decided to go on a European tour; and wanted to know – would I be so kind to show her around Berlin? It’d happened so many times before;  people – from close friends to totally distant acquaintances, asking me on social media to take them on a stroll around Kreuzberg, and then being the good hostess I was raised to be, I’d show them all a good time – downing a few beers up in Eschenbräu, sharing my enthusiasm for the city I call home with a shot of Pfeffi in a Späti in Mitte. I was trying to convince myself this would be a visit like all the rest.  The real conflict – Lila had been my very first girl crush.  Over the span of three years during High School, I had nurtured such a deep infatuation that it was borderline obsession, really. From the very first time I saw her photo on the defunct Fotolog I was instantly enamored. Her big, bright, beautiful hazel eyes thickly rimmed with eyeliner. That strange feeling of an overwhelming queercrush drew me to her. I was divided between wanting her and wanting to be her. She lived in Rio, in a different state, and back then, another world. I saw her as this self-possessed cool kid, so beautiful and free, going to clubs when we were still underage, while I was this intensely awkward, caged little bird. I had to work up the courage to even approach her online. After months of chatting on MSN – basically all I did at the tender age of sixteen – the time finally arrived when we’d meet in person. One of my favorite bands – The Yeah Yeah Yeahs – was gracing Brazil with a live show – and it was the perfect excuse to go to Rio, the city of wonders. I was not going alone, though. My best friend was also joining to see his long-time online crush – one of Lila’s best friends. The anticipation bubbled in the seven-hour bus ride, but only crashed and burned upon arrival – Lila didn’t come to the show alone. She was accompanied by this girl who apparently played in a local screamo band. I’ll never forget the way she strutted at the venue, hair framed by a dark bob à…