This story is from the Remotyca collaboration of SATISFYER & BERLINABLE

Cathartic Vibrations

By Mrs Lisa O.

It had been three months, fourteen days, eight hours, and a few minutes since the love of my life had passed away.

In parallel, it had also been that long since I had felt anything other than grief and numbness.

Desperate to fill this void, a chasm of despair and breathlessness, I turned to the nightstand; our nightstand.

The nightstand with a photo of us at the beach, her inhaler and tablets, and our phones.

The nightstand whose draw contained our sex toys; correspondingly desolate and abandoned like my soul.

In a desperate attempt to run from my mourning I had kept myself inordinately busy since that harrowing Sunday morning.

Yet however much I tried to circumvent my anguish, I knew I had to face the fact that my mind and body had entirely separated.

I needed the zombie feeling to subside.

Remembering some of the last conversations we’d had, I summoned her words back into my present: „Don’t lose touch with yourself. I am still there with you in spirit. Find strength in your stomach, courage in your heart, and joy in your body. Babe – masturbate every once in a while.“

Even in those final stages her compassion, light-heartedness, and courage had supported me.

She had surpassed the darkest days of her life and I bit my lip as I realised how right she had been.

Lying in the drawer was our Satisfyer Double Love.

The last time it had seen daylight had been our visit to a fancy restaurant. She had teased me all evening until we burst through the door of our apartment and ravished each other.

I stared at it for a while: willing it to give me more memories of her, her face, her smell, her touch. Looking down at her nightie skimming my naked breasts and bare bottom, I inhaled her smell, it was fading.

I had worn her nightie every night since her death. I had used her coffee mug. I had watched her programs. I had kept her memory close to me at all times.

But it felt like I now needed her somewhere else.

I needed her in me.

I allowed her memory to fill my body.

Closing my eyes I thought of her soft breasts, her gyrating hips, her delicious lips.

With my hands wandering over my forgotten skin I thought of our kisses, how she had nibbled my earlobes and made me giggle, how she would trace over my stomach with her tongue and then nestle her head between my legs.

It was working.

I could feel her.

Running my hand into my old, tatty knickers I realised I was wet.

She would be proud of me.

Dipping my fingers in tentatively, I felt my body shudder.

I decided to roll with it. Pulling the Satisfyer Double Love and some lube out of the nightstand, I slowly slid it into my vagina.

Grappling with her phone, my heart stopped a moment as I saw the screensaver. It was me; a deliriously happy smile on my face, the day we had visited the sunflower fields.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I unlocked the phone and searched for the app.

It felt almost as if she was guiding me through every step. A little unaccustomed to the usage, I turned it up too high; the clitoral stimulation accompanied by the internal vibration was too much for my deprived, almost virginal loins.

Regulating it down I closed my eyes.

A faint waft of her perfume filled my nose.

It felt like she was there, between my legs, coming up every now and then to kiss me with my juices on her lips.

I turned it up further and again sank into the pillows. I remembered our city break in Paris; the hotel bed with its big plush pillows, the dildos we’d brought taking their turn as she pleasured me all morning before we went for café au lait and croissants.

I turned it up higher; overwhelmed with how I had missed this connection with my body.

As my hands reached my nipples I thought of her pinching them; a steamy session we’d enjoyed one Sunday afternoon with an assortment of clamps, cuffs, and gags.

We’d had some incredible times on this bed.

The memories swept over my skin.

Taking off the nightie, I felt a sudden wave of emotional release gush through me.

My tanned skin from our Morocco holiday glowed in the morning sunlight.

My bush quivered with the vibrations as I compassionately resuscitated every inch of my body. She was in me.

Incomprehensibly bizarre and most certainly a little kooky, it was as if she was controlling the vibrations from beyond.

Scorning the absurdity of the situation, I turned the vibrations up to the fullest. My breathing became heavier, my head stretched back, and my back arched.

With my legs far apart I rocked my hips as I would have with her there. Heart racing, mouth dry, I felt the tears tumbling down my burning cheeks.

It took a little longer than usual but within a few minutes I felt my toes curl, my knees went weak and a gritty, anguish-filled, cathartic tidal wave of an orgasm cascaded through my hollow shell.

Perhaps I screamed, I was so very far away. It seemed to invigorate every cell.

Incapable of controlling the phone, I took the Satisfyer Double Love out and lay still as it continued to buzz beside me.

My breathing slowed, but I could feel my heart pulsing in my throat.

The tears were still tumbling down my face.

Lifting the phone again I opened her music playlists and put on our song.

A warm glow spread through my body.

The winter sunshine glistened on my skin.

It felt like a sign.

I was going to be okay.